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 In Love Relationships, Relationship Communication

4 Communication Styles

By Christine Ferch

Ever wonder if you are an effective communicator? There are many different factors which come together to make us an effective communicator. We are going to concentrate on 4 communication styles here.

First, it is essential to identify what kind of communication style you typically engage in, and you may find yourself reading through the below examples and find, you communicate differently depending on the situation and who is with you. This is okay, as it allows you to investigate why at work, you can be assertive but are passive-aggressive in your relationship.

The four styles of communication:

Communication Styles
  1. Passive: This communication style is often engaged in by individuals who feel indifferent or yield to others, such as being quick to agree without adding in their own opinion. These communicators fail to express themselves, their thoughts, feelings or needs. This lack of outward communication can lead to misunderstandings, anger, or resentment build-up.

However, the positive to this, these communicators are often easy to talk to as they rarely interject, there is reduced conflict; people feel heard as there is no confrontation. In terms of body language, passive communicators often avoid frequent or steady eye contact, poor body posture and are unable to say “no”.

  • Aggressive: We are usually aware when someone is aggressively communicating to us, their body language and tone of voice can make it very apparent. You will hear it, see it and may even feel it.

Aggressive communicators speak in a loud, demanding voice, maintain intense eye contact, dominate or control others by blaming, intimidating, criticizing, threatening or attacking them.

Notice how passive communicators are at the other end of the spectrum.

Aggressive communicators will also demand their needs, without compromise, rudely ask questions, and fail to listen to others. However, because of their powerful and robust way of communicating, they often make good leads as they command respect.

  • Passive-Aggressive: This communicator is like an iceberg; there is much more below the surface, what underneath is anger, tipped with a passive nature. These individuals feel powerless or stuck. They build up resentment leading them to act out in subtle, secret, or indirect ways.

These communications will mutter to themselves rather than confront the situation head-on. They do not acknowledge their anger, will use facial expressions which do not match how they feel and often deny there was ever a problem. They necessarily push things under the rug, but not without muttering their displeasure.

Body language demonstrated with this form of communication is not open, such as giving someone the silent treatment, spreading rumours, sabotaging efforts. They may appear cooperative but silently thinking and feeling the opposite of what is transpiring.

  • Assertive: this communication style is said to be the most effective because it provides a balance of needs are met for all parties in the conversation. Assertive communication is open and direct without being overbearing.

This style allows us to express our needs, desires, ideas, and feelings while taking in the same factors and the needs of others. This communication style aims to find a compromise, find a balance within their rights and the rights of others.

A key component to assertive communication is I-statements, as they dictate ownership of feelings and behaviours without placing blame. When the other person does not feel blamed, you avoid defensive thoughts and feelings.

The Importance of Being a Good Communicator             

Being an excellent communicator allows us to express our thoughts, feelings, opinions, and desires, which allow us to have our needs met. Additionally, being a useful communicator aid in the ability to confront and solve problems. This can be helpful at work as we are confronted with work-related problems with our co-workers. It is often challenging to have co-workers who are hard to speak to, which leads to being unapproachable and begins to affect the ability to conduct work efficiently.

Excellent communication is helpful in our platonic and intimate relationships. If we can communicate our thoughts and feelings positively, we negate our friends or loved ones from feeling the need to become defensive or their actions are not good enough. During the conversation, when we are open in body language and tone, our loved ones feel their thoughts and feelings matter and therefore cared about.

Negative communication styles do not create this environment and often have people leaving sad, anger, shame, guilt and defeat. These are not positive emotions for someone to have and left with at the end of the day. This also increases the likelihood of further arguments and inability to reconcile.

communication styles 2

Positive communication allows both parties to feel satisfied because their feelings, thoughts and concerns were heard and validated. In the end, they may not receive what they were looking for, but a desirable compromise has occurred solving the problem and creating peace.

What to watch out for when Communicating

It is essential to address not only the words we use and how we use them but the other forms of communication which come along for the ride. Positive communication follows warm, gentle, and nonabrasive body language which looks like gentle eye contact, warm tone of voice, hands calmly sitting in our lap, shoulders back, and watching the facial expressions we engage in. One may smile indicating they are agreeing, but if they eye roll, a sign of negative body language, there is something they are not disclosing.

Negative Communication

Negative communication creates the setting for us to release our negative emotions along with much information, I feel this way because you do this” during this “rant”, we begin to communicate too much for the other individual to focus on. Additionally, we may end up communicating more than our feelings about the problem but also how we feel about the other person.

When we say the wrong things, even if we do not mean them, they are often remembered more evident than any other aspect of the communication engaged in. This can cause problems in future arguments as these words are often brought up again repeatedly. This process can leave a significant impact on an individual in a couple’s system because these painful memories of poor communication and hurtful words, generalize into our other relationships.

Basic Steps for Good Communication:

  1. Try and fight your urges, bite your tongue, and listen to the words the other person is saying
  2. Focus your attention on the issue at hand, not the problem which occurred last week or last year. Focusing keeps things concrete and avoids confusion
  3. Keep your cool and avoid escalation, deep breathe, or take a break if positive communication will not happen
  4. Manage expectations of reactions the other person may engage in with some of the things we say or ask
  5. Use humour when appropriate

There are factors in our life’s which lead use one form of communication over another. For those who have lived with an aggressive communicator, they may be more prone to using a passive or passive-aggressive communication style.

If you want to work on developing your assertive side and letting go of the factors leading to passive, aggressive or passive-aggressive communication style, contact us at admin@ovcs.ca.

We also have other blog posts that you may enjoy too. Click here to have a read. One of our newest blog posts on Self-Compassionate is an excellent read for anyone wanting to learn to be easier on themselves and improve their quality of life. Mindful Self-Compassion combines the skills of mindfulness and self-compassion, providing a powerful tool for emotional resilience. Studies show that MSC significantly increased self-compassion, compassion for others, mindfulness, and life satisfaction, as well as decreased depression, anxiety and stress.

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SUBSCRIBE Search Healthline How to Help a Depressed Friend Listen Help finding support Support therapy Take care of yourself Educate yourself Help with chores Extend invitations Be patient Stay in touch Recognize the forms Things to avoid Warning signs Do you have a friend who’s living with depression? You’re not alone. According to the most recent estimates from the National Institute of Mental Health, just over 7 percent of all U.S. adults experienced an episode of major depression in 2017. Worldwide, over 300 million adults and childrenTrusted Source live with depression. But not everyone experiences depression in the same way, and symptoms can vary. If your friend is experiencing depression, they may: seem sad or tearful appear more pessimistic than usual or hopeless about the future talk about feeling guilty, empty, or worthless seem less interested in spending time together or communicate less frequently than they normally would get upset easily or are unusually irritable have less energy, move slowly, or seem generally listless have less interest in their appearance than usual or neglect basic hygiene, such as showering and brushing their teeth have trouble sleeping or sleep much more than usual care less about their usual activities and interests seem forgetful or have trouble concentrating or deciding on things eat more or less than usual talk about death or suicide Here, we’ll go over 10 things you can do to help as well as a few things to avoid. 1. Listen to them Let your friend know you’re there for them. You can start the conversation by sharing your concerns and asking a specific question. For example, you might say, “It seems like you’ve been having a hard time lately. What’s on your mind?” Keep in mind that your friend may want to talk about what they feel, but they might not want advice. Engage with your friend by using active listening techniques: Ask questions to get more information instead of assuming you understand what they mean. Validate their feelings. You might say, “That sounds really difficult. I’m sorry to hear that.” Show empathy and interest with your body language. Your friend may not feel like talking the first time you ask, so it can help to continue telling them you care. Keep asking open questions (without being pushy) and expressing your concern. Try to have conversations in person whenever possible. If you live in different areas, try video chatting. 2. Help them find support Your friend may not be aware they’re dealing with depression, or they may be unsure how to reach out for support. Even if they know therapy could help, it can be daunting to search for a therapist and make an appointment. If your friend seems interested in counseling, offer to help them review potential therapists. You can help your friend list things to ask potential therapists and things they want to mention in their first session. Encouraging them and supporting them to make that first appointment can be so helpful if they’re struggling. 3. Support them in continuing therapy On a bad day, your friend might not feel like leaving the house. Depression can zap energy and increase the desire to self-isolate. If they say something like, “I think I’m going to cancel my therapy appointment,” encourage them to stick with it. You might say, “Last week you said your session was really productive and you felt a lot better afterward. What if today’s session helps, too?” The same goes for medication. If your friend wants to stop taking medication because of unpleasant side effects, be supportive, but encourage them to talk to their psychiatrist about switching to a different antidepressant or getting off medication entirely. Abruptly stopping antidepressants without the supervision of a healthcare provider can have serious consequences. 4. Take care of yourself When you care about someone who’s living with depression, it’s tempting to drop everything to be by their side and support them. It’s not wrong to want to help a friend, but it’s also important to take care of your own needs. If you put all your energy into supporting your friend, you’ll have very little left for yourself. And if you’re feeling burned out or frustrated, you won’t be much help to your friend. Set boundaries Setting boundaries can help. For example, you might let your friend know you’re available to talk after you get home from work, but not before then. If you’re concerned about them feeling like they can’t reach you, offer to help them come up with a contingency plan if they need you during your work day. This might involve finding a hotline they can call or coming up with a code word they can text you if they’re in a crisis. You might offer to stop by every other day or bring a meal twice a week, instead of trying to help every day. Involving other friends can help create a bigger support network. Practice self-care Spending a lot of time with a loved one who has depression can take an emotional toll. Know your limits around difficult emotions, and make sure you take time to recharge. If you need to let your friend know you won’t be available for a while, you might say something like, “I can’t talk until X time. Can I check in with you then?” 5. Learn about depression on your own Imagine having to educate each person in your life about a mental or physical health issue you’re experiencing — explaining it over and over again. Sounds exhausting, right? You can talk to your friend about their specific symptoms or how they’re feeling, but avoid asking them to tell you about depression in general terms. Read up on the symptoms, causes, diagnostic criteria, and treatments on your own. While people experience depression differently, being familiar with the general symptoms and terminology can help you have more in-depth conversations with your friend. These articles are a good starting point: Depression: Facts, Statistics, and You 9 Types of Depression and How to Recognize Them Causes of Depression What It’s Really Like Going Through a Deep, Dark Depression HEALTHLINE NEWSLETTER Get our weekly Depression email To help you prevent and manage episodes, we’ll send you expert guidance, compassionate personal stories, and tips. Enter your email Your privacy is important to us 6. Offer to help with everyday tasks With depression, day-to-day tasks can feel overwhelming. Things like laundry, grocery shopping, or paying bills can begin to pile up, making it hard to know where to start. Your friend may appreciate an offer of help, but they also might not be able to clearly say what they need help with. So, instead of saying “Let me know if there’s anything I can do,” consider saying, “What do you most need help with today?” If you notice their refrigerator is empty, say “Can I take you grocery shopping, or pick up what you need if you write me a list?” or “Let’s go get some groceries and cook dinner together.” If your friend is behind on dishes, laundry, or other household chores, offer to come over, put some music on, and tackle a specific task together. Simply having company can make the work seem less daunting. 7. Extend loose invitations People living with depression may have a hard time reaching out to friends and making or keeping plans. But canceling plans can contribute to guilt. 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But it isn’t something that can be cured with a few well-intentioned phrases like, “You should be grateful for the good things in your life” or “Just stop thinking about sad things.” If you wouldn’t say something to someone living with a physical condition, like diabetes or cancer, you probably shouldn’t say it to your friend with depression. You can encourage positivity (though your friend may not respond) by reminding them of things you like about them — especially when it seems like they only have negative things to say. Positive support can let your friend know they do really matter to you. 3. Don’t give advice Though certain lifestyle changes often help improve symptoms of depression, it can be hard to make these changes in the midst of a depressive episode. You might want to help by offering advice, like getting more exercise or eating a healthy diet. But even if it’s good advice, your friend may not want to hear it at the moment. 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